What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 19:53
Especially a lifetime of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Is depression a cause for always feeling tired?
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why is that Hag Hillary Clinton so quiet these days? She is the dog that isn't barking
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What should a young woman do to control sagging breasts?
She found it foreign!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was very sick at this time too.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Do you enjoy cheating on your spouse? If so, why?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is soul school!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She married twice! .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i do to all so called friends.?
So, i spoilt her more .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ive learnt so much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When she asked me how she looked .
We all went to grammer schools
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I said to her
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She wouldn,t have been !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Comes on , in middle age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was in good health!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im still living with it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)